and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
