Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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