I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
