If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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