Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
