The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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