Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
