and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
