I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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