My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
