Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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