I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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