my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
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