oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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