Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
