At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
