He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
