Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
