dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
