don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
