The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
