I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Randomize
