I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
