alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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