Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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