the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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