I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
