I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I use my feet as sexual weapons
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
