Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
