I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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