your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
