There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
