people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
