I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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