I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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