I puked a lego.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
