just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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