Betty ford says i'm here all night
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
