I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Randomize
