i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
