im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
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