I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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