I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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