Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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