Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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