I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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