i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Randomize
