My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
