He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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