i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
