we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
